Saturday, August 13, 2011

baby Leila

When I am in an emotional situation, I often don't know what to say. So I am quiet.
A few weeks before my mother-in-law died, she was very distraught.
I was alone with her  in her room and she was
pacing around, upset. In terrible pain.
She looked at me and told me that she felt like she was dying.
I don't know what my face said to her,
 but I hugged her, I helped her into bed.
I didn't say anything.
I felt awful. I wanted to cry.

My brother and his wife live in Ohio. When I was pregnant with Mikey they found out the were also expecting. In fact, our due dates were almost exactly two months apart -- I can't even describe how excited I was about this, even though we live so far away ~
(I am just that kind of dork)
When they found out they were having twins, I was even more excited! And
honestly,
I was a little jealous.
I have always wanted to have twins! When I was younger, I even used to wish I could Be a twin. (dork)
But since my crazy obsession at the time
was making hats I waddled ran out the door to find matching yarn to make them their own 'lovey' blankets from what was sure to become their Favorite Aunt.

Not long after, Dave and Cyndi found out their girls had TTTS
I thought about them all the time. How could I not? Every stitch I made in a hat, I was thinking of them, wanting things to be okay. And
honestly,
feeling a bit guilty.
My little guy was fine. But still,
I felt awful. I wanted to cry.

The girls needed to have surgery.
I had it worked out in my {crazy} pregnancy head that if I hurried and sent them their blankets, everything would be fine.
I am pretty sure those stupid things showed up right after
sweet little Leila passed away.
I still feel like an asshole.
As usual, I had no idea what to say.
I felt awful. I cried and cried.
My nieces were born a little less than 2 months before their cousin instead of 2 months after him.

My calendar reminds me it's almost
Leila and Chloe's Birthday
and I just hit me that my brother and his family also observe
Leila's Angel Day
I miss all of them, it would be great if we all lived closer together.
Even then I probably would still not know what to say.

But, the cool thing is --
Cyndi is so great about sharing pictures and stories of my spunky (haha, her parents better watch out)
niece Chloe
and her thoughtful big sister Solana
and this one is my new favorite!


La Familia Hendrickson



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1 comment:

KERRY said...

:(
I don't know what to say except I am so sorry...
And I am sure that by not being able to 'say' anything, you were 'thinking' it, and I'm also sure they knew that too.

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